“Space,” as 70s prog-rock legends Hawkwind once told us, “is
deep”. But that’s not all, for as Yuri Gagarin also informed us, it can be a
disappointing place for religious believers. You see, the first cosmonaut apparently
took a peek out of the porthole while he was in orbit to see if the Deity was
floating about. When he didn’t see an old man with a white beard anywhere
nearby he allegedly declared: “I don’t see any God up here.”
I was thinking about Gagarin’s ultra-scientific observation
this week when I read about the Iranian space monkey that the mullahs reportedly
shot into the cosmos a few days ago. What did our terrified primate friend see up
there as he looked out the window? If he told his theocratic bosses there’s no
Allah, then he’d be for the chop. On the other hand, since it is strictly forbidden
for Muslims to depict Allah, there’s no way the monkey could have recognized
his Creator in the first place.
This is all assuming Iranian scientists can interpret monkey
talk, of course.
Still, it was interesting to see the news media’s response
to Iran’s first space monkey. Although Iranian state TV treated the flight as
an amazing achievement, people in rich countries viewed it as a bit of a joke. You
see, we’ve been there, done that- launched satellites, put the inhabitants of
zoos into space, played golf on the moon, dumped a lot of junk in orbit… or at
least the Russians and Americans have. Heck, America first put a monkey in
space in 1948, five years before the CIA toppled the Mossadegh government! That’s ancient history in scientific and
political terms.
I mean, over here in the civilized West, our space
exploration goals are just so much more sophisticated and advanced. For
instance, NASA is currently using a radio-controlled golf cart to search for hypothetical
dead microbes on Mars. Now finding hypothetical dead microbes on a dusty rock –
I’m sure you’ll agree that is very important stuff. But putting a live monkey in
the void? Been there, done that. It’s strictly yawnsville, man.
Not so in countries governed by rubbish regimes however. In
places like Iran or North Korea it’s considered a joyous moment when you successfully
approximate the most advanced science of your mortal enemy as it stood sixty-five
years ago. Think about it for a second and you will grasp the terrible
soul-anguish of the totalitarian thug. For the Mullahs of Iran, America is the
Great Satan and they the servants of God. But while God’s people just unveiled
the interstellar equivalent of a vacuum tube in a big brown box, Satan is
kicking back and watching porn on a 90” 3D HD flat screen while sipping on a
brewski.
O, why is the Evil One so advanced, and the Righteous Man so
backward? Imagine the cognitive dissonance the Mullahs have to endure! North
Korea also desperately seeks self-respect by sending ramshackle rockets into the
void. Every time one of those things doesn’t explode, the leaders of that hopeless
country give each other a high five.
Of course, the Iranians and the North Koreans view the
military applications of their space programs as important too, but never
underestimate the desperate quest for dignity. Indeed, it’s not just gimcrack
regimes that feel the need to compete with what America and the USSR were doing
when Steven Tyler of Aerosmith was a baby. I used to know a semi-legal Chinese
import/export chap in Moscow, and vividly recall his pride when his motherland
launched their first Taikonaut in 2003. I was impressed too: the Chinese did it
themselves you see, whereas Britain’s first astronaut was an employee of the Mars
chocolate factory who cadged a lift from the Soviets in 1991.
Last September Indian PM Manhoman Singh announced that he
wanted a son of his homeland to walk on Mars before the Chinese got there; I
wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that the Brazilians and Turks also have
ambitious space programs. Like erecting
very tall buildings, shoving humans into space is a means by which rapidly
developing countries declare their arrival as serious players on the global
scene. Indeed, I am sure the leaders of India and China dream of superseding
America and Russia as masters of space and thus technology. In that sense, the
cosmos truly is destiny.
As for the Iranians and the North Koreans: not so much. They
shoot things into the void to compensate for the bad ideas ruining things for
people at home. Can’t afford to eat meat?
Never mind, we just put a monkey in orbit! We have also put some worms up
there! Now who else can do that, eh? What, the Americans? The Russians? The
Chinese? The Indians? Silence, traitor or we’ll toss your family in jail!
Ah, well, never mind: welcome home, Iranian space monkey.
Now tell me, did you see God up there?