Aside from that, I’m totally
in the dark! But it’s not as if it’s the only important news this week. Indeed
not! So I thought I’d share with you some of the stories that have been unfairly
sidelined by all this malarkey about electing a president.
For instance, did you
know that Britney Spears is in talks to write a novel? No? That’s probably
because you were too busy thinking about politics. But in fact the formerly
shaven-headed songstress, who prefers miming to actual vocal utterance, is
negotiating with HarperCollins to write a “roman a clef” based on her life.
Given that we already
know pretty much everything about her life, I’m not sure how enlightening such
a book could be- but then again, she won’t actually be writing anything. Some
invisible man or woman will take mp3 files of her saying “um”, “er” and “like”
a lot and render them into simple prose for a great deal of money. In that
sense Britney actually has something in common with both presidential candidates,
as they don’t write their own speeches either- though I suspect that her ghosted
text will be easier to swallow.
Now that’s news! But
that’s not all that’s been going on, oh no! In Russian politics, stuff has been
happening. I’m not sure what exactly, although Sergei Shoigu did become the new
Defense Secretary after replacing somebody whose name I’ve already forgotten. But
what I really wanted to draw your attention to was Mikhail Prokhorov. Remember
him? He was the very tall billionaire who pretended to be opposing Putin at the
last election.
Wait, did I say he was
pretending? Oops! Didn’t I read in Snob,
the magazine that Prokhorov owns, that he was really, really serious? In that case,
why haven’t we seen him at any of the opposition rallies? Well, this week I
learned the truth: recently he opened a new stadium for the Brooklyn Nets, the
basketball team he owns, and he had Jay-Z over to perform at the celebrations. On
Monday meanwhile Slam Online reported
that Prokhorov would like the team to “reach the Eastern Conference finals”. I
have no idea what that means, but obviously basketball has been keeping him very
busy. Any minute now though I’m sure we’ll see him on the streets of Moscow , manning the
barricades! What, you disagree? How cynical!
Now that’s news! But it’s
not the most important story you might have missed. No, I’ve saved that for
last. On October 30th, USA Today (not just a free rag they hand out on
airplanes but actually the newspaper with the second widest circulation in America )
contained an incredibly important
article. Remember those old Masters
of the Universe toys and cartoons from the mid 80s? You know, He-Man,
Skeletor, Stinkor, Buzz-Off and Man-E-Faces? Well, after 30 years we are about
to learn how Skeletor got his skeleton face, thanks to DC Comics who are
publishing:
“…a powerful one-shot
tale featuring the skeletal 1980s cartoon and toy villain and He-Man's greatest
foil.”
What’s that? You
didn’t know that a piece of plastic designed for 6-8 year olds to play with required
an origin story? You’re wrong. For, lo! The flabby man-boy “journalist” quotes the
comic’s writer Joshua Fialkov thus:
“The fact that he got
his face burned off is more than just the actual physical act of burning his
face off. It has an emotional root. He's stripping away who he was to become
who he will be."
Sounds deep! But
that’s not all:
"Before, it was
more about 'Let's do what we think the kids want,' whereas now we get to tell
stories that are what the adults want."
Yes: millions of adults
are clamoring to know why Skeletor has a skeleton face! Well, OK, perhaps
twenty thousand chronically nostalgic nerds in their late 30s want to know, but
that in turn raises another important question. Is there any more tangible
symbol of the decline of Western civilization than the fact that this publication
exists, that a “newspaper” is reporting on its existence, and that grown men
will part with $3.99 (plus tax) to own it?
That is the pretty
pass to which we have come, friends. And knowing that, well, nothing else seems
to matter. It’s over. I mean, no matter what you do - it’s over. The sun might
rise, men and women will be born, grow old and die, presidents will play
musical chairs, but…
Excuse me: I need to
lie down in the dark for a while.