When the Republican
race for the presidential candidacy started I thought it would be fun to write
a series of columns tracking the 2012 election campaign race from its
beginnings to its conclusion this November. I’d poke fun at fatuous press dribbling,
the evasions and misrepresentations of the candidates, etc. That ended when I realized
that the whole Republican race was a freak show beyond parody, consisting of nothing
but gimps, lepers and glue-sniffers.
Well, it wasn’t that
bad but you get my gist. There was Newt Gingrich, talking about Outer Space; Rick
Perry, high as a kite on painkillers; Herman Cain, and his ladies; Rick
Santorum, wanting to puke over JFK; Michele Bachman doing her low budget Sarah
Palin schtick; a few other nonentities; and of course- Ron Paul. All Mitt
Romney had to do was stand there, smile and do nothing to remind people he was
a Mormon. He won easily. There was no point writing about it.
Romney is a preppy,
upper-crust CEO type, lacking in people skills. As for Obama, the days when he
would appear on TV instead of American
Idol and ramble on about whatever he wanted to Chazez-style are gone, but
he still has a high opinion of his charm and oratorical skills. The president
was reportedly delighted with the GOP’s selection.
The tone was set early
by the Democrats, as Obama surrogates started digging for filth on this well-groomed,
caffeine-dodging executive. Ancient yarns about Romney the teenage school bully
and Romney tying his pooch to the roof of a car were unearthed as evidence of
his diabolical character. Hacks and media lapdogs ran with both tales, but neither
really took off.
Next, the Democrats
decided to reignite the “Culture Wars” by making it mandatory for the Catholic Church
to provide free contraceptives to frisky young lassies in their institutions and
also Sandra Fluke. Cue conservative outrage, and lots of media gibber-gabber
about the Republican war on women, Republicans tying women to the roof of Mitt
Romney’s car, the Republican Taliban etc. It worked for a bit, but then passed.
Then came attacks on
Romney’s business record, as Obama surrogates portrayed the Wooden Mormon as a
cackling, top-hat wearing capitalist of the sort Mayakovsky drew in Bolshevik
propaganda posters in the 1920s. Apparently there was nothing Romney loved more
than bathing in cash after asset-stripping a firm and firing all its employees.
These attacks backfired because there are plenty of gazillionaire Democrat
asset-stripping venture capitalists and a few politicians voiced their
disapproval of all these attacks on capitalism, which is, after all, a big part
of the American Way
of Life. So the strategy then shifted to outright innuendo and lies – a
whispering campaign that Romney hadn’t paid tax since the Mormons practiced
polygamy in the 19th century, and oh yeah, that he kinda sorta killed
some dude’s wife, while taking a bath in money. Kinda.
That last attack,
which appeared in a Democrat ad and was swiftly revealed to contain no truth
whatsoever, impressed me with its sheer chutzpah. The media duly talked about
it for a few days while Romney just stood there, wooden, preppy, grinning
nervously; eager to escape to the next board meeting where he could perhaps
fire some people and take a bath in money. He dispatched an underling to make a
weak response, and then a few days later accused Obama of running a campaign
based on “division and anger and hate”, an assessment not entirely without
merit- but then he let the attack slip away and soon we were back to talking
about his dog, strapped eternally to the roof of his car, yipping for release.
How times have
changed! I enjoyed the election in 2008 because it made so little sense. Obama
talked sweetly, conjuring a magical fluffy cloud out of words, inviting the
people to come float away with him to a wondrous land where there was no hate
or political division, and where the government did not keep foreigners locked
up forever at Guantanamo
Bay
Still, 2008 and 2012
do have one crucial factor in common: in neither campaign has Obama run on his
record. Four years ago it was because he didn’t have one, so it was all hope,
change and millenarian blather; this time around he does have a record but it’s
clearly not anything he wants to talk about, other than Yeah dude, I totally blew a hole in Bin Laden’s head.
The media is still pretty
friendly to Obama, so they will happily run with stories about Romney’s dog or
push unfounded accusations about his business record if they get an opportunity.
Thus the election is about everything except what’s important, which is
something that rhymes with economy. Instead
we get a perpetual side show display of inanity, bumbling, distractions and general
rottenness. I’d say wake me up when it’s over, but I’m about to leave the
country for a few weeks so that may not be necessary. I’ll save my nap for when
I get back.