Problems, problems, everybody has problems. Look at Russia right now.
Those protesters - they’ve got problems. If they don’t get prior
permission for their rallies they will now be fined thousands of
dollars. The opposition leaders have problems: the police raided their
apartments, seized all their hi-tech gear and “investigations are
ongoing.” Pussy Riot has problems. Ksenia Sobchak has problems… jeez… so
many problems.
Elsewhere it’s worse. Look at Egypt, where the nation’s
constitutional court just dissolved parliament ahead of presidential
elections between two decidedly unlovely candidates - it’s complete
chaos; nobody knows what’s coming next - no wonder the folks are hopping
mad! And then there’s Europe, where the currency is about to slip down
the drain. And what about Libya, Syria, Mali? The list goes on and on.Thank goodness I live in America, where we have no problems. You
doubt me? Why, just look at a few recent news stories and you will be
obliged to kneel before my Truth.
First of all, have you heard that in New Jersey the authorities just
mandated seatbelts for cats and dogs? Oh yes, my friends. And if you
don’t buckle up your beast, you will be fined between $250-$1,000 for
your callousness and disregard for public safety. That’s right - no
longer will Fido be able to ride shotgun, fur flying in the breeze.
See what I mean? Would the wise legislators of New Jersey be
concerned about the seating arrangements of cats in trucks if they had
serious issues, like homelessness, unemployment or crime to think about?
I don’t think so.
And then there is the pleasant town of Middleborough in
Massachusetts, where residents recently voted to approve a proposal from
the local police chief to impose a $20 fine for public profanity.
That’s right, life in Middleborough is so good that the sound of a
teenager saying $#@! Or &^%$#! is a big deal. Just try and imagine
what kind of utopia the town must be. Oh wait - you can’t, because you
have so many problems. But life is bliss, friends, and soon - with the
disappearance of salty language from the streets - it shall be
perfection.
All right, I hear you cry, but what about John Travolta? He’s American and he’s got problems!
This is true. Recently the married “Look Who’s Talking” star was
accused of pestering male masseurs for sex, and has been hit with sexual
battery claims. This week meanwhile the National Enquirer reported that
in the 1980s Travolta had an affair with his personal pilot, a man
named Doug Gotterba.
Don't be fooled- he's got problems.
This could cause problems for Travolta in Hollywood, where producers
have yet to green light a film in which the action hero is gay.
Compounding the actor’s woes, the Enquirer reports that Travolta’s lover
objected to his fat, hairy body.
On the other hand, the fact that anybody bothers to report this, and
that I spent several minutes of my life reading about it, proves that in
America we have no serious problems.
Which brings me to the Ku Klux Klan: you may have heard that a branch
of the racist organization wants to “adopt” a stretch of highway in
Georgia, for which they would receive a little plaque thanking them for
cleaning up the road.
I will concede that this is a problem. Racists still exist. On the
other hand, we can see improvement. Once upon a time, the KKK terrorized
and murdered blacks, and people with links to the KKK infested the
Democratic Party at the highest level. For instance, Hugo Black,
Roosevelt’s first appointment to the Supreme Court joined the Klan in
the 1920s; President Harry Truman was an ex-Klansman; and onetime
Exalted Cyclops Robert Byrd - who filibustered the Civil Rights act for
14 straight hours in 1964 - only died in 2010.
In 2008 however the Democratic Party nominated a black man for
president, and he subsequently won. KKK membership today consists
largely of morons, sometimes married to their cousins, who meekly ask
the state for permission to pick up litter on the highway. As it is,
Georgia turned them down. America is making great progress.
Lastly, you may have heard that America has a few economic problems.
But this is a myth. How do I know this? Well, the president has been
spending a lot of time with his celebrity friends lately. In June alone
he’s attended at least six parties and dinners, where he rubbed
shoulders with the likes of Maria Carey, Julia Roberts and the lady with
the long face from Sex and the City. He even gave Jon Bon Jovi
a ride on Air Force One! Now cynics might say he only wants their
money, but I know better. The president enjoys downtime with friends,
like the rest of us. It’s just that he has richer and more beautiful
friends!
Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts, my friends. Good luck with your problems. We don’t have any.