Recently
there’s been some blather about removing Lenin from Red Square and
inserting him into a hole in the ground. Yeah, I’ll believe it when I
see it. About once a year some Russian public figure suggests burying
the Father of the Proletariat, everybody talks about it for a day or
two, and then the idea fades away. You see, the interesting thing about
Lenin is that, after you’ve seen him once you forget that he’s there. I
mean, I’m sure Putin never thinks that there’s a hollowed out shell of a
human located in a glass box a stone’s throw from his office. I lived
in central Moscow for three years and hardly ever thought about it
myself. Lenin’s basically invisible. Familiarity breeds indifference.
An archive of transmissions sent weekly from Texas to Moscow by Daniel Kalder- author, anti-tourist and apocalypse connoisseur- emanated on behalf of RIA Novosti, the Russian State News Agency.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Why I Love Bad Movies (With a Few Exceptions)
One of the stranger aspects of human nature is our capacity to take
delight in things that are awful. For instance, in my late teens I
embarked upon an intense study of the horror movies I had been forbidden
to watch as a child: Dracula flicks starring Christopher Lee, or
B-movies with Vincent Price. None were scary, most were boring and then I
stumbled upon Dracula AD 1972, in which the vampire drinks the blood of
groovy people in 70s London. It was awful. And yet I enjoyed it more
than the others, as my tears of boredom alternated with laughter and
amazement at the poor judgment of it all. I was hooked: bad films were
good.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Somebody Still Loves You, Tom Cruise
Last week, I was mildly surprised to hear that Tom Cruise and Katie
Holmes are getting divorced. Why, only a few days before I had read an
interview in People magazine in which Cruise kept banging on about “Kate” and his daughter Suri, and how he was looking forward to a happy 50th
birthday celebration with his family. And then this Tuesday Tom turned
50, alone… How could it all have gone so wrong so quickly?
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
A Short History of Useful Idiots
Mussolini: you might think he was just a blustering fool in a fez,
but once upon a time many people took him very seriously. I remember my
shock when, aged 15 or so, I learned from my history teacher that
Churchill had spoken approvingly of the black shirts in the 1920s. This
week however I was reading a biography of the first Fascist and learned
that Winston was not alone. Franklin Roosevelt praised the Italian
dictator as a gentleman; Chiang Kai-shek asked for a signed photograph;
and even Gandhi (yes lovely, non-violent, vegetable-munching Gandhi)
described him as the “Savior of Italy.” Hmm. That’ll be the guy who let
his soldiers use live Ethiopians for target practice and ended his
political career shipping Jews to Hitler for extermination? All right
then!
The Best of British!
This summer, London will host the Olympic Games, and many foreign
visitors will visit Great Britain. Although the games are still a few
weeks away, I am pleased to report that my green and pleasant homeland’s
reputation for hospitality is already proving well-deserved. This week
for instance a gentleman named David Beckham, who is married to one of
our famous “Spice Girls,” released his “Best of British” guide for
visitors. Alas I cannot tell you what it contains, for Mr. Beckham
requested that I acquire an “app” for my “phone,” whereas I still rely
on carrier pigeons for long distance communications. But not to worry!
This week, for those planning a visit, or who are simply curious about
our Sceptred Isle, I have prepared my own list. Tally ho!
America Has No Problems
Problems, problems, everybody has problems. Look at Russia right now.
Those protesters - they’ve got problems. If they don’t get prior
permission for their rallies they will now be fined thousands of
dollars. The opposition leaders have problems: the police raided their
apartments, seized all their hi-tech gear and “investigations are
ongoing.” Pussy Riot has problems. Ksenia Sobchak has problems… jeez… so
many problems.
Save Us From The Moderates
Recently in Texas we had some elections, and I was very interested in
the smears politicians hurled at each other. The worst thing a
politician can be called here is a “Washington Insider” as the Federal
Government obviously represents nothing but waste, incompetence,
cronyism and assaults on freedom. Some of this contempt is undoubtedly
deserved, but it’s not as if the Feds are entirely awful. For instance,
Washington runs the military, which most Texans support very strongly.
YOU SAY “помидор” I SAY “помідор”
Last week, fists flew in the Ukrainian parliament over the latest
attempt to grant the Russian language a measure of official status in
the country. Fat politicians brawled with other fat politicians, while
outside, an angry crowd protested. From her jail cell, former Prime
Minister Yulia Tymoshenko denounced the bill as a “crime.” Earlier, she
had characterized it as an apparently sacrilegious assault on “an issue
that is holy for many of us.”
White Indians
Recently there’s been a bit of a kerfuffle in Massachusetts, where
Ted Kennedy’s old senate seat will soon be up for grabs. Having kept it
in the family since 1955, it went Republican at the last election, which
is akin to the Biblical prophecy of “'The Awful Horror' standing in the place where he should not be"
(Mark 13:14) as far as Democrats are concerned. Hoping to win it back
this November, the party has put forward a high cheek-boned member of
the privileged, white, upper middle class liberal intelligentsia, a
Harvard law professor named Elizabeth Warren.
How I Got Back to Nature
Like many British people, I grew up disconnected from nature. Though
my small town was close to forests and woods and water, we pretty much
left the animals and plants alone. Specialists, known as “farmers”, were
our mediators. Every now and then you might go for a ramble between
fields, but that was about it, even though (in Scotland at least) you
are never very far away from a herd of sheep.
March of the Pygmies
Right now it seems as if the leadership of the entire planet is
coming up for election. At least that’s the impression I get from the
news: there are changes of leadership everywhere, or at least in those
places where the population is allowed to have a say in such matters.
But when I look at the results, I can’t help thinking that the people
coming into power are completely incapable of meeting the challenges of
our times.
Watching Kim Jong-un
What would it be like to be told at age 27 that for the next four
decades you were going to have to kill, starve and oppress millions of
people if you wanted to stay alive? A strange question you may think,
and yet not an unreasonable one. It is after all, precisely what
happened to Kim Jong-un, the son of Kim Jong-il and now leader of the
world’s most oppressive state.
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